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On The Inside

Sometimes I’m not as strong as they think I am. On the inside ..i’m afraid. Afraid they don’t really know my heart.

On the inside I reflect back to all the years, days and moments that they were my world. They still are.

On the inside I’m afraid that they don’t realize that time may be short and we don’t know it.

On the inside I am human, sometimes hurt by seemingly innocent, yet harsh words. But I remain silent while my heart breaks off into a little piece of jagged edge.

On the inside I still love as strongly as I did when they were little.

They don’t realize that as my nest becomes empty, so does my heart. Empty of the life I built for them, empty of the patterns our daily lives became.

But it’s ok. On the inside I know that nothing stays the same and this was the goal all along. To raise them, and enable them to spread their wings and live their lives.

On the inside I hope they don’t forget about me. All those car pools, birthday parties and back scratching marathons at bed times. All the scraped knees, hugs, kisses, fights and whining. All the temper tantrums along with all of the thousands of proud moments I had when I watched them grow.

May they know on the inside just how much I love them.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Dori

Are you there God?  It’s me, Dori.  I haven’t talked to you in so long other than a passing thought here and there. Although I guess there were my many requests to release me from the constant turmoil that my days ruminated in.  I remember the days I would walk around those walls that held me captive, begging you to release me, and you did. You released me in a very unexpected way,  but I thank you.  I thank you for the unknown road in front of me, and the husband you put beside me.  What a blessing he has been in my life.

Never in a million years would I have guessed this would have been your way.  Never in a million years would I have guessed I’d be sitting here today with this life.  I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The failures, the mistakes, the loneliness, and even the cancer.

Are you there God?  My eyes have water in them at the very thought of your magnificent power.  It has been said you are the Living Water.  Perhaps that is why our eyes fill with tears when our hearts break or even when we feel joy.  You are all around us and in us but the world forgets about you.  But today, Lord, as water fills my eyes I remember you.

Are you there God?   I see you when my husband squeezes my hand and tells me:  “Don’t worry we’ve got this, we will figure it out.”  He provides that unconditional love that I never thought I would ever be lucky enough to have.  You are there God, in him, in myself, and everywhere I am.  We are all right where we are supposed to be at this very moment.  I want to tell the world that you are there for everyone should they reach out and search for you.  (If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:13 NLT)

Are you there God?  Are you silently waiting for us to shut off the radio or the television?  Are you there when we step outside into nature  and are surrounded by everything you created?  Yes, I believe you are, you really are.

 

 

 

All Roads Lead Back to You

Who is God? Is He a he, or a she? Is He pure love, energy, our protector, our teacher? Is He the “Universe,” or all of the above? In grade school I learned that He is the Alpha, the Omega, no beginning no end. Infinity. Perhaps everything that happens to us in life comes full circle for a reason. The good times, the bad times. The victories, the failures, and oh the losses. Perhaps they all lead back to the One who wants only the best for us. Our experiences mold us into who we are and the roads we take.

How can we not see Him in everything around us? Even the sun, when someone takes fixed position photographs of it, taken at the same time of day over a year, results in the infinity symbol! A coincidence? I doubt it.

Sometimes life is scary. We are afraid of new roads so we cling tight to the old roads and the familiarity of them. We hold on with a death grip even when we know there isn’t an ounce of joy left walking that path any longer. We become like robots, listening to what we are told to do. Wear this, don’t wear that. Deadlines and unwanted commitments. More and more is piled on our plates and shoved down our throats. Yet, we grab our fork each day and shove another bite down. We stay in that “comfort” zone because it pays the bills, meanwhile our soul is snuffed out. Happiness eludes us while we stay on the rat wheel, then next thing you know your body will remind you of the torment you’ve put it through for so long. It shows up as illnesses, anxiety, depression, a lack of joy. We don’t have time for the things that really matter and the enemy laughs at us, saying “keep on walking this path, you sucker!”

Until. Until you’ve had enough. Until you say no to the constant demands and yes to you. Yes to your soul. Yes to those little things that have been put on hold for so long. You find a way. You find multiple ways to make it happen and not according to the way other’s think you should. It is not all in our own strength. Sometimes we have to look up and around us at all the signs and people in our lives that love us to know that we are not alone in anything we do. Hard to believe at times, I know. I have felt so overwhelmingly alone many times. But the road keeps bending me, molding me. Keep walking forward I tell myself. The rearview mirror is just that. I only look back to remind myself of the lessons life forced on me.

We have the power to create anything we want. Our definition of the good life might not match anyone else’s, but you will know when it starts to happen. You will embrace each day. Even if you worry about the details of the “how’s,” try to focus on right now, today as much as possible. We are all just walking on the road to infinity any ways….back into the arms that created that sunshine and created us.

Cancer: It didn’t define me, it refined me.

This is something that is very difficult for me to share. We have lost loved one’s to cancer and the pain of that is very fresh. Not everyone get’s through it with a happy ending. It is not a trivial thing to be writing about. It is not a trivial thing to go through as the patient, nor to the family and friends.

I was fortunate enough that I didn’t have to go through chemo, but I did have biopsies, two surgeries, and radiation every day for 6 long weeks.

I went through a lot of different emotions. At first shock and numbness. “What did I do to deserve this? Haven’t I tried to be a good person?” Then I think the reality of, my God, my life may not be as long as I thought it would be. Anger, anger that I had to do this and then anger at myself for feeling so selfish when obviously there were other people sitting in that waiting room waiting for their treatment, that were obviously way worse off than I.

Then came a calmness that I can’t describe. Almost an acceptance and a knowing that my Creator was with me and no matter the outcome, it would be ok. That is the only thing that got me through. Every day I would work a stressful job, then leave to go get my treatment, go home, go to bed and start all over again. Thank God Mike helped me in the evenings to take care of whatever needed to be done.

Sometimes a tear would run down my cheek as they would administer the beams of radiation. A tear for the fear I was pushing away, a tear for the gratefulness I felt to have my children, a tear for my first love, that was back in my life. A tear for the memory of my grandparents and my great Uncle Subby who I missed up in heaven. A tear for all the times I had been unwilling to forgive my mom for her absence in my life. A tear for the things I haven’t accomplished yet. A tear for bravery that I knew I needed.

A vision would come to me every time I laid there for my treatment. It was a knowing that Jesus had his hand on my right shoulder, protecting me, healing me. It’s not something I’ve shared much, but it happened and I will always remember it.

Life has changed for me since then. Maybe I have changed too. I am a good employee but my family will always mean more. I like a clean house, but the time I spend in it with my family, means more. Being right feels good, but letting go of that need, feels better. I am no longer in a hurry with most things. I just leave earlier, the calmness means more. The television and it’s negative media no longer feed my thoughts but music that makes me happy does. The smell of the air on a crisp fall day fills me with memories of taking walks with my grandpa down 8th street in Omaha. Shallow conversations bore me, but tell me about your life and I soak it all in. Tell me a story about love and you have my full attention. In those things, I realize that is where God lives, and that is where I want to be. Refined and full of love, no matter what the outcome may be for me.

Meet the Authors Night

Hello!  Just wanted to let everyone know that Vintner’s Hill Wine Bar in Mint Hill is hosting a Meet the Author’s evening tomorrow night, July 2nd from 7-9pm.  Each author will have an opportunity to read a small portion of their book and do some signings.

Vintner’s is my very favorite little place in Mint Hill, not only for wine, but for coffee and vanilla latte’s as well!  Would love to see you there.

Dori

This entry was posted on July 1, 2019. 3 Comments

As it Appears

There were times when I used to scroll through facebook posts and have twinges of “I wish that was me” syndrome. Beautiful vacations spent admiring sunsets and fancy dinners with ocean views. Families wrapped in happiness at every turn. As time goes on I’ve realized that not everything is as it appears. My syndrome was cured almost overnight when some of these realizations came to light.

That happy blissful marriage…not happy at all.

Those vacations taken..while important bills back home were left unpaid.

Those pics of nights out, drinking with friends…loneliness prevailed within their hearts when the party ended. Even in a crowd one can be a lonely soul.

Why does it matter so much how many “likes” we have or how many “followers?” Have we lost sight of the things that really matter in our brief lives?

In contrast I’ve also seen posts that are absolutely authentic. Families that truly do love spending time with each other. The love is real and tangeable. I see hugs, kisses and everyone reaching out to help one another.

Grandma, can I help you with that?

Hey, I noticed that your door was broken so I fixed it.

A young adults car broke down on the way to a family reuinion and the whole family had a corn hole tournament and at the end, unexpectedly gave all the money raised to him to fix the car.

Love in action gives me the most inspiration. I no longer have the I wish it was me syndrome because I’m surrounded by love in action every day. Not on the screen of my cell phone but all around me. I just have to look up to see as it appears.

Dreams

Dori Grassau

Dreams are important. They’re messages from God. When you ignore them or resist them or are kept from pursuing them, you are cut to the core of your being…Glenn Beck

I have often thought that we have dreams and desires in our hearts for a reason. They are what we constantly think about or wish we could do or be.

If our dreams are messages from God, then maybe we need to believe that if we take even the smallest of steps to make those dreams and desires happen He will guide us each step of the way.

How will we know when He is guiding us though? Awareness. Awareness of what is happening around us and the people or circumstances He puts in front of us. The longer I live, I have come to believe that there are no coincidences

With open eyes….Keep dreaming and be aware. He might…

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