Archive | April 2015

What Was I Thinking?

I went back to that house with hopes of catching one last glance of what made my youth so happy.  I went back with hope of seeing you in the tick-tock of the grandfather clock that hung above the kitchen booth and in the well placed, tiny crystal figures on the coffee table.

Perhaps I would still be able to catch the scent of your perfume or see something that would remind me of your love.  Maybe in looking at the small white and grey marble table where we played cards for hours would somehow comfort my heart from missing you.  I ate so many meals sitting next to you at that table.  Not only did you nourish my body, but your words healed my soul. 

I knew you had been gone for years, but subconsciously I thought maybe I would somehow feel better if I stepped back into my past.  I thought that maybe I could make a few things right with the current tenant.  I thought that maybe some old wounds could be mended.

What was I thinking? That is not what I found at all.  The grandfather clock had stopped its ticking and tocking and the crystal figures were long gone.  To where, I do not know. The marble table was now covered with cheap brown stick-on linoleum.  The smell of thick smoke permeated the air and the coldness of the current tenant lingered despite the small talk.

What was I thinking? Did I think that I could fix the past with words of love and waving a figurative white flag of peace?  This deck of cards was always stacked against me no matter how many times I tried before.  Did I think the current tenant would somehow change her mind about me and show love that was obviously not there? Did I think that my presence would somehow change everything and I would get my happy ending?  What a fool I was.

What was I thinking?  I was holding on to the last glimmer of hope that things could be resolved.  I surmised that I needed that tenants’ approval and validation that I mattered to her after all.

But I was wrong.  I do not need her approval or her love, because I am created by a loving God who already loved me and still loves me now.  He also gave me a grandmother that loved me and taught me self-worth.

My grandmother may not be in that house any more, but her spirit still resides in my memory.  Even though I can not see her with my eyes, or sit at that table with her, I can still feel her when I feel sad.  I can still think about all of the memories she created for me.

So with that, I walked out the door and said one more ” I love you” with no response, but in the silence I knew I had still done the right thing by coming.

Here’s what I am thinking now: I will try to stop doubting my worth based on her actions, and just forgive.  I have no power to change the past.  I have no power to change the other person, but I do have the power  to forgive and move on.

Forgiveness

Being able to survive it doesn’t mean it was ever ok- author unknown

Forgiveness: Is it the ultimate in letting go of the pain or just the ability to push it aside? I am not sure I can answer that.

Forgiveness: Does it mean that we are okay with what they did to us? No, I do not believe that at all.

Forgiveness: Does it mean we have to be a part of their lives? No, it does not.

Forgiveness: Is what they did an indication of our character or our worth? Most definitely not.

Forgiveness: Does it require strength? Yes. As a matter of fact, forgiveness is the opposite of being weak.

I believe that forgiveness does not mean we are to continue to try to make someone want us when they do not. It doesn’t mean that we are somehow flawed or insignificant because they don’t want us. It doesn’t mean that we are to continually go through the questions in our minds over and over that somehow we are  ” not enough” in their eyes.

Life is about choices. They made their choices and we make ours. We can choose to forgive them and in doing so, we release the demons that hold us back from living our lives to the fullest. We forgive them so they are free to either keep their demons or do whatever they feel they need to. But that has nothing to do with us any longer. We have no control over anyone else but ourselves and our own thoughts.

So forgive, when it hurts. Forgive when you don’t want to. Forgive even when you think they don’t deserve it. Forgive not to help them, but to help yourself move on from the pain. Disconnect from the chains you have been shackled to all these years. Disconnect from the power you have allowed them to have over you. After all, they probably don’t even think about you. Disconnect from it all and live your life.

Make it a beautiful life. Love your children, love your friends. Say yes to someone who truly loves you and believe that you deserve their love. Take a walk on the beach. Make time to do those little things that you love. Release the negative thoughts that swim through your mind during the day. Set them free to go swim elsewhere.

Remember, above all, forgiveness never means that what they did was okay. It just means that it is not your problem any longer.