Archive | May 2014

Breathe In & Breathe Out

The kids in Collierville

Sometimes I realize how anxious my heart can be. I worry about my children as they get older in different ways than I did when they were little. When they were little I could control their world in most ways. I felt like I could protect them from anything.

But now, as they begin to leave the nest I find myself stopping, to breathe in & breathe out when I feel that pang of realization that they will soon be gone. Even with the stresses of raising them mostly on my own and the financial strain, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

It is a different feeling when your son or daughter begins to drive and has freedom like none before. It is a different feeling when someone breaks their hearts and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes they just want you to listen when all you want to do is go hunt the person down! Therefore, I breathe in & I breathe out.

As a parent you hope that you did things more right than wrong and that they will realize that everything you did was out of love. You hope that they will one day have mercy on you for the mistakes that you did make along the way. You hope that they will gain understanding about all the times you said no to them and made them so mad. They do not realize how many times I remained silent. I breathed in & I breathed out, choosing my battles wisely.

I hope that when I asked for forgiveness they not only saw a mom, but a person who was trying their best. I hope they see someone who was willing to admit when they were wrong. I tried to raise them the best way I knew how, having little guidance myself growing up.

So, with each passing day and with each worry, I will keep reminding myself that I am not alone. I know I have a God who watches over and guides me. As they get closer and closer to a life of their own, I will release them to be the beautiful souls that they are and when I feel that pang, I will breathe in & I will breathe out.

This entry was posted on May 26, 2014. 3 Comments

Today I Saw…

How many of us go through our days without really noticing what is going on around us? We wake up and get ready to go to jobs we are less than passionate about. We sit in traffic, we work, then we get back in traffic. We take care of our duties at home and if we are lucky, we find something or someone to enjoy before the day is over.
Well, today I wanted to really be present in each moment.

Today….

I saw a couple in the coffee shop looking at each other as they took sips of their coffee. A song came on and they both wiggled their heads to the beat, while still gazing at each other with big huge grins on their faces. It made me smile too. It also made me feel a little jealous.

I saw a redbird perched on my feeder as I looked out my back door as I do every morning. I always think he is there just for me.

I saw women whispering about others in an unkind way…It saddened me.

I saw a friends eyes well up when she thought she almost ran me over with her car…it’s a long story, but I’m ok obviously. I felt mercy.

I breathed in the smell of the rain as it poured down on my umbrella. I felt thankful.

I saw my sons face light up when he got a new pair of basketball shoes. I felt impressed that it takes so little to make him happy.

I saw an elderly couple in the Dr.’s office smiling at each other and walking arm in arm as they left. I wanted to know their story.

Lord, I just want to be present in this very moment. Please don’t let me be blind to life just passing me by. Please, let me love everyone to the best of my ability, as a mother, a friend, a co-worker, a sister.

There are so many things I have worked for and strived for and I know I will get there eventually but I don’t want to miss the scenery along the way. Today I saw that You have a plan for me, and whatever it is…I accept it.

Want You vs. Need You

Is it better to be wanted or needed? For many, that could be a loaded question.

As a woman who loves to nurture others you would think I would thrive on being needed, but I don’t.

Do I want to be wanted though? Yes! Should I truly NEED anyone if I believe wholeheartedly that my Heavenly Father has my back? No.

I feel that being chosen and wanted is so much better then being needed. Being wanted or wanting someone is a more mature, less co-dependant view of someone. They are your partner, confidant, play mate and soul mate.

The constraints of a “relationship” are loosened and we are free to grow and be who we are with eachother. We trust the other person and have self security and in turn, it is given back to us.

I say all this because growing up I felt very unwanted.  My mother may have loved me, but I never felt it. She had the option of aborting me but chose not to. For that I am thankful and believe that because of that, my life has some sort of relevance.

I needed her more than words can say at times. I still miss her and the affection that was never given but always wanted.

You see I needed her, but I felt like she never wanted me. They are two different things.

As an adult I WANT to love someone for who they are. I’m not in the business of changing anyone. People can only change themselves.

I WANT to see the good in others because essentially I think we all have good inside of us.

I WANT to cook for someone because it brings me joy.

I WANT fresh flowers on the table because they make me smile and they remind me of Gods creations.

I WANT someone’s touch because it makes me feel alive!

I admit there are many things I need but I realize that all of my needs get taken care of eventually. 

My wants…well, they are just icing on the cake when they come.