I grew up in a home where I felt unwanted. I went through a marriage where I felt unwanted or needed. I am not saying this to paint a bad light on those that surrounded me. I say this to point out that I am the master of my thoughts, and of the feelings that I ultimately carry for myself.
I am a 44 year old woman who still, to this day feels, well…orphaned. Don’t feel sorry for me when I say this. I have good days and I have my bad days. The good days out- number the bad the majority of the time, but there are times when I can’t get out of that negative feeling that I am alone and have no one to share my life with in the way that my heart has desired to for my entire life. I call it “the funk.” Even a new pair of shoes can’t get me out of that funk!
I work hard each day and I smile, but when my head hits my pillow at night, I’m lost. I count my blessings. I have a home and a job. My children are healthy and happy, but I find myself thinking that half of my life is over and this is not how I pictured things to be. I want to be with someone who will say “Come on! I’m taking us away for the weekend.” I long for someone who makes me feel safe and protected who can share the weight of the world with me. The darkness I feel on my pillow is a very empty feeling.
I think about when Jesus was having the last supper with his friends, and He was telling them that when he leaves He was going to send them a helper, and an Advocate, he said. That helper is the Holy Spirit. This is what it says:
If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you. No, I will not abandon you as orphans- I will come to you. John 14: 15-18
Think about this. Jesus knew His final day on this earth was approaching. He knew that he would suffer a painful death. These words must have been so important that He was telling His friends. Even though He was leaving this earth, He was telling them that as long as they obeyed his commandments and believed in Him, that the Holy Spirit would come to them in times of need.
He went on to say in John 14: 26-27 But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative- that is, the Holy Spirit- he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. I am leaving you with a gift- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
So, when I feel alone and like an orphan, His words come to my mind and fill my heart. They remind me that He hasn’t abandoned me at all. He lives inside of me and no matter where life takes me or no matter how dark things feel, He is a constant light to guide me. I just need to trust that His plans for me are greater than I can even imagine and I am not an orphan at all.